Assertiveness is one of the most misunderstood of the relational skills. Consequently, assertiveness is not given the attention and praise that it deserves. The truth is that it’s a profoundly powerful skill that can transform lives and relationships.

Why is Assertiveness So Important?

Assertiveness is the ultimate manifestation of adulthood. It is the communication modality of mature, confident adults.

I’m not sure which comes first – if one is trained in assertiveness skills and that training and practice is what facilitates a strong adult position…or if one must first be a responsible, confident adult who is far more inclined to be assertive.

Assertiveness Will Help You Be Firm But Respectful

Some of us (mostly women) believe that expressing a strong opinion and standing firm is a form of being mean. But it’s not.

If you feel solid in your stance and wish to stick to it, learning assertiveness skills will build your confidence and help you stand firm without behaving aggressively. 

Isn’t Assertiveness the Same as Aggression?

No, this is a common misunderstanding.

Assertiveness is Never Aggression

Aggression is not a more extreme version of assertiveness. If you behave aggressively, being hostile and offensive, you are not being assertive — you’re being aggressive. And yes, there can be a fine line but once you learn assertiveness skills you likely won’t cross that line, because you won’t need to.

Aggression is behavior that offends and violates. Aggression is a form of violence – verbal, emotional and physical violence are born out of aggression.

Assertiveness is behavior that is direct, clear and respectful. Assertiveness is honest yet considerate, and peaceful. While assertive communication may be firm and unapologetic, it is not harsh or unkind. However, it can sometimes be perceived as harsh simply because it’s straightforward in a manner of which we are unaccustomed.

While a clean, authentic message may be more direct than we are used to, a truly assertive expression will not be discourteous.

Assertiveness Can Help with Anger Issues

Some of us have “anger issues” that show up as aggressiveness.

Some of us have “anger issues” from trying to suppress our anger, pretending we don’t feel it. Though that’s rarely considered an anger issue.

If it sounds counter-intuitive that assertiveness is a remedy for aggressive behavior, you likely share the misunderstanding of many, that the term assertive is interchangeable with the term aggressive. 

Once you learn and practice the skill you’ll experience and appreciate the difference.

Working with a skills coach or taking an assertiveness training course will increase your confidence. 

If you are already a confident person, you will be well equipped and may not need assertiveness training as much as others. You will, however, benefit from refining those skills.

Who doesn’t want to be more confident? We’re talking about authentic confidence, not the bluster or bullying that many mistake for confidence. A confident person does not need to bully. They are self-assured and competent. They know that they can effect change in their life when needed and therefore don’t feel the need to throw their weight around. They communicate authentically – directly but with compassion. They are mature adults. The kind of person who is an effective and well-liked leader.